Disowning the Pain, Owning the Process

Writing up this particular blog has been a challenge. But as the title reads, owning the process it shall be! 😊🥰

I’m gonna share a video here( I don’t own rights to it) but it truly is worth sharing.

#MentalHealth

Watching the above video has left me crying endlessly. No sleep! In less than 24hours ago, I too have been having suicidal thoughts. Thoughts that have been brought about because of something I did and self forgiveness and acceptance have been a struggle and battle all together.

In the heat of the moment, suicide seems like my last resort and the best thing to do since killing the pain inside or whatever is going on is so hard to live with. Poor sleeping patterns, poor feeding habits, being unsocial, terrible migraines, alienation, blaming myself for being imperfect and guilt eating me up fast like cancer. That’s been the story of my life in roughly two weeks.

Man, it’s been too much to wake and even look myself in the mirror for I only see a worthless piece of shitty human not regarded for any good. My mistake has made me feel the worst as a human and I have lost that which I once treasured. I am not sure I can fix my mess though 💔 but I will definitely make a point to right my wrong.

Suicide is so real and I don’t know how much strength it takes because survival then becomes so hard and being a ‘by-gone’ may then best fit as solution since cessation from existence tends to be a consoling thought at the moment. Interestingly, I haven’t really put in mind how much pain I’ll leave behind and that is some scary thought, to say the least. 🤦

Listening to the lady speak of the loss of her son in that video, I made this realisation where I can choose to be one who breaks the cycle of actions upon suicidal thoughts.

  • If judged, I choose understanding
  • If rejected, I choose acceptance
  • If shamed, I choose compassion

I vow to be better than what broke me and to those I’ve broken as well, vow to be better than my actions that broke you. To heal instead of becoming bitter we can act from our heart and not our pain.

This whole suicidal ideation has brought forth a different kind of sensation and awareness and I hope to get past it and anyone else feeling the same. Disregard the pain, trust the process and own it. We’re a big deal! We’re important, one way or another in our own spheres. ✌️

To all that reached out and talked me out of suicide, I’m grateful. It’s tough but we move regardless of all setbacks. 💓