The Untold Dream

I had a dream about you. It’s been a while since I had any dreams and more so any that I could remember. But this one in particular gave me an impression that it must have been worthwhile! I visualized you and I from the day we met, the day we first went out, to the days we made merry and intimate encounters and to the very day you popped the question. But Alas! all these seem pretty much rushed, yeah? But, hey, it is a life most desired and thought of, since the word “love” ever had meaning to me.

Every moment I spend with you and I look into your eyes, all I see is flashes of light. May be love light, if we can call it that for now.
I get anxious when around you and still bubbly and full of spasms of excitement. The adrenaline rush in me is always high that it has got no limits and to some point it feels like its going to crush my little cupid heart. In this dream I finally get to tell you how much I have been head over heels in love with you. How that happens, is still a surprise to me.

It may come as a surprise to you that all this is being revealed in a dream rather than verbally, heart to heart but truth be told, there’s so much that’s been unspoken by me. I keep hoping for the day when I will fully let it out into reality and not in dreaming scenario.

I have expressed my feelings for you for some time but you know what, most of it has been hidden and more so why I feel the way I feel. Dressed up well for you, prepared the best of meals, been around you as a support system as much as I could but still all these still hope to be noticed because it’s all unspoken.

“Somewhere; somebody, 
Feels you; realizes you
And loves you,
With its utter adoration, 
Devotion, affection
And recites your name
In each heartbeat
As Force of its Breath
It is its life
You are unaware of it.” 
― Ehsan Sehgal

This is me!

Disowning the Pain, Owning the Process

Writing up this particular blog has been a challenge. But as the title reads, owning the process it shall be! 😊🥰

I’m gonna share a video here( I don’t own rights to it) but it truly is worth sharing.


Watching the above video has left me crying endlessly. No sleep! In less than 24hours ago, I too have been having suicidal thoughts. Thoughts that have been brought about because of something I did and self forgiveness and acceptance have been a struggle and battle all together.

In the heat of the moment, suicide seems like my last resort and the best thing to do since killing the pain inside or whatever is going on is so hard to live with. Poor sleeping patterns, poor feeding habits, being unsocial, terrible migraines, alienation, blaming myself for being imperfect and guilt eating me up fast like cancer. That’s been the story of my life in roughly two weeks.

Man, it’s been too much to wake and even look myself in the mirror for I only see a worthless piece of shitty human not regarded for any good. My mistake has made me feel the worst as a human and I have lost that which I once treasured. I am not sure I can fix my mess though 💔 but I will definitely make a point to right my wrong.

Suicide is so real and I don’t know how much strength it takes because survival then becomes so hard and being a ‘by-gone’ may then best fit as solution since cessation from existence tends to be a consoling thought at the moment. Interestingly, I haven’t really put in mind how much pain I’ll leave behind and that is some scary thought, to say the least. 🤦

Listening to the lady speak of the loss of her son in that video, I made this realisation where I can choose to be one who breaks the cycle of actions upon suicidal thoughts.

  • If judged, I choose understanding
  • If rejected, I choose acceptance
  • If shamed, I choose compassion

I vow to be better than what broke me and to those I’ve broken as well, vow to be better than my actions that broke you. To heal instead of becoming bitter we can act from our heart and not our pain.

This whole suicidal ideation has brought forth a different kind of sensation and awareness and I hope to get past it and anyone else feeling the same. Disregard the pain, trust the process and own it. We’re a big deal! We’re important, one way or another in our own spheres. ✌️

To all that reached out and talked me out of suicide, I’m grateful. It’s tough but we move regardless of all setbacks. 💓

She is…

She is amazing,

She is beautiful,

She is nurturing,

She is fierce,

She is driven,

She is independent,

She is motivated,

She is crazy at times,

She is a mess sometimes,

She is sexy,

She is smart,

She is strong,

She is soulful,

She is magical,

She is blessed,
She is loved,

She is phenomenal,

She is open minded,

She is complicated,

She is a fighter,

She is a storm,

She is a survivor,

She’s a triple threat

And unapologetically, she’s her.

Even when…

Even when no one celebrates you,

Even when no one compliments you,

Even when no one encourages you,

Find it within you to celebrate yourself,

Find it within you to compliment yourself,

And find it within you to encourage yourself.

But then again, it’s not all that bad to have that special someone who’s got your back, always.

One who’ll make you rest assured, you not alone.

Having drafted so many articles and unable to complete them is whack! So this short video will do the trick. My mood 100% 😉

Love is You

(Lagna Ray’s Poem.. Repost)

“Sometimes you ask
How much I love you

I smile
But don’t reply
For I have no words to convey
How much I do

You live with me
In my thoughts
Even if we aren’t together
I heal with laughter
Thinking about you
In my solitude

I wrap your essence
And feel complete
Inspite of our agonizing distance

How can I express
What you mean to me
I ache for you
Even in my silence

I do not look back
What I missed
I look forward to live with you
Every moment

What is love
Love is you.”


Pointless Over thinking

Over thinking something you cannot change will not change anything except the amount of anxiety you feel, and how much mental energy you use, on something you cannot improve. Pause your mind, to pause the panic.

Over thinking tends to lead to a decline on one’s mental health. When such happens, learn to do small things that bring you peace. For instance, take a shower, text a loved one, listen to music, go for a walk. Do something; anything, to drift your mind from unnecessary woes.

Being an over thinker myself I must say has had huge effects on me. Negative ones for that matter. My brain will be working on overdrive trying to find meaning and reason for every happening thing. An issue may be rendered petty or not really important but my monkey mind will have to make sense of everything and with so much energy I dig deep and end up making a mess of my mental state leaving me all wrecked.

Case in point, everything to me has to always have a basis of happening. And if I can’t quite contemplate whatever is going on, I take it upon myself to scrutinize facts and theories. Something that never leads to good results. Trust me. It’s actually draining.

So I actually came to realize my over thinking and over analyzing and worrying usually originates from fear of something and/or some obscure insecurities. This leaves me mentally drained *af*, (pardon my French) ☺. It robs me of my peace of mind. And peace of mind is priceless if one has got this.

So I have actually been reading up a few articles on how to actually deal with this issue and strategies I can deploy to do away with over thinking and regain my happiness. I happen to have read an article by Peggy Nolan who is a best selling author, podcaster and traveler. Here’s a few tips I got.

  1. Stop! – some things that I see happen make me want to cause drama and one would actually think the drama is worthy of an Oscar but truth is, it’s never worth it. Train your mind to say STOP! and ENOUGH! Switch to something peaceful.
  2. Visualization – Your mind may wander into the past and you happen to almost relive the past in the future. In the event such scenarios happen, replace what your monkey mind wants to watch with something you want to watch. Visualize a happy memory or simply allow your mind sink into its happy place. My happy place I’d say is sitting out especially in the dusk or fall of night, staring into the sky, listening to some soothing music as I hear the sound of the cool breeze greet every other thing in space.
  3. Just Breathe– Breathe in and out. Take deep breathes and just breathe.
  4. Go for A Walk– Have you some music to keep you company as you stroll around. Swing your hands, dance, move with the rhythm. Just get distracted. Enjoy nature.
  5. Engage in your favorite hobby– Over thinking produces no results and offers no solution. So switch gears and do something you enjoy and love. Read,paint,sing,knit,surf,swim,hike etc
  6. Be Present- Peggy mentions over thinking as being all about dredging up the past/or borrowing trouble from the future. I agree.

To sum it all up, the best cure is to simply be present. Be here right now! It’s all that matters. Guard your mental health, live healthy. To happiness, Cheers mates!

Share what works for you, I’d love to hear.

Little Bits of Her

“She loves him, yes,

Anyone and everyone can see that.

Something in the way she loves him,

Openly. Honestly. Deeply. Truely.

Unashamedly. Completely.

Oh yes she does!

But it’s really beyond that.

She learned to love with no absolute expectations

She makes no threats; no demands

A dire need and passion that she wishes she never has control of

Deep satisfaction and a sense of peace

Is all she yearns for.

When bound to him, all she feels is Freedom

And there’s no better feeling than this.”

Dating As A Millennial

We often hear or get told that back in the days, romantic relationships were so much simpler unlike these days. One would like another and all they had to do was tell them-and if they felt the same, you’d get together. Easy! Right? These days though, things are endlessly more complicated and frustrating and dating as a millennial is so screwed up. Andrea Wesley ,tells us why:Dating shouldn’t be taking a toll on us. It should be as easy as it comes. No pressure, no force. Falling in love is an involuntary feeling and staying in love is a choice. ♥ 😘

Start Strong, Stay Strong.

We are just a few days into 2020 and everyone seems to have started it with a bang. Or rather, on a good note. My heartfelt remorse to those who must have gotten into this year with losses and misfortunes. May God give you the strength to carry on through the rest of the year.

We all have expectations and dreams to look forward to. But that’s not just it. Having a clear vision I believe is just the beginning of one nearing their dreams and having them come true. We wake up each day hoping for it to be different. Hoping to have noticeable change. There’s that thirst which the soul needs quenching for. A desire to meet your goals and achieve your targets.

This year I personally want to dedicate it to the Almighty. For so long I have fallen short of His glory and forget that He alone knows what is destined for me. I am no religious maniac but I believe there’s a God above who’s mightier than any being and His promises are Yes and Amen.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11
To vision, resolutions, achievements and success!

We are always told that you only have one time to start. But I have to say, you only have one time to start in one way. But you can start differently more than once.
That is what you need to understand.
You can start stronger.
People go through hell. 2019 has been a bed of thorns and hot Amber’s for so many people.
But 2020 is a new start for you.
You can start a fresh.
You can start stronger
You can start new.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.
(Proverbs 3:5-6, NIV)
Never forget you are stronger than you could even think.

May 2020 be of clear visions, new insight and revelation! Focus on your focus.

A Pain A Few Will Understand

This writing has been inspired by an experience of pain that I hope will someday, come to an end.

Ever been in pain when relieving yourself? Ever had your bladder and abdomen in pain? Every visit to the washroom hurts: during and after. Sometimes it hurts to stretch out or even sit down. Sometimes I cry myself while in the washroom. The pain, sometimes so unbearable I almost wanna fall to the ground and lay down.

A Pain So Deep

I don’t deserve this. But I’m an effing strong girl. So I tend to encourage myself. This pain, period pain better known as Menstrual Cramps, is the craziest nightmare I’ve had to deal with every.single.month.

Having this condition, Endometriosis, it has been quite an experience that I wouldn’t wish for anyone. For those suffering from the same, damn woman! I feel you. The pain is real, whether severe or mild. Every month is always a battle on its own but the pain, gosh! It’s sickening.

At this point of the month, I tend to hate doing almost everything. I feel literally sick to the bone. Coughing, having to pee, sneezing, sitting down, lying down, standing up and probably breathing as well. All these just tend to make it worse on the pain and flow. Lucky are they that know no such pain and go for three days. I call you God’s chosen. Woe unto us who roll for five ➕ days. Damn! I am super strong now that I just realized blood lost is enough to save 3 to 4 lives monthly. 😀

Anyhow, being on medication and several check ups, I believe it’s all gonna be good in due time. What scared me though at some point upon my visits to hospital was that, whilst on the stretcher in the gynaecologist’s room, I eavesdropped on a conversation about my condition, then it was not looking so good, from the scan done that is, and so all I could hear being discussed was huge terms like partial hysterectomy and laproscopy. Something to do with surgery and I hardly understood anything else being discussed.

My heart skipped a beat then. The thought of surgery scared the wits out of me. Especially given the fact that it’s my reproductive system being discussed about. The gynaecologist later came in and said to me that they’ll put me on drugs to try and manage the condition while I’m on observation for three months. Since then it’s been visit after visit to hospital. Something that ain’t fun at all because it kind of messes you up.Work, lifestyle and affects my mentality as well, big time.

Long story short, for any ladies experiencing abnormal menstrual cramps, kindly seek medical assistance before it’s too late. Any reproductive health matters are vital, especially if it has to affect your chances of giving birth. This is my story, let it not be yours! Cheers to healthy living and wellness.